Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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