sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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