I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
