So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Randomize
