she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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