so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
