I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
