Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
