Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
