I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
where are you?
Hypothermia
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
