the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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