I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
And then he peed in my hair
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