The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
