Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
