My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
