I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
