I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
