What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
