now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
