So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
