I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Randomize
