headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
it glows. i had to have it.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
