she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My bed smells like the plague
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
