Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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