a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
