...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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