moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
