I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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