i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
