I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
All I want is dick and wine.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
