i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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