my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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