What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
