For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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