You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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