When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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