hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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