they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
