She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
