Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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