Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
