Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
