Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
