She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
