Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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