its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
