if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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