took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
