We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
