I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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