Texts From Last Night · thisapprox's Favorites

Sorry everluck23 hasn't picked any favorites yet.

thisapprox's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(509): View more from Washington

She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

Fav 14 5681 1602
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

Fav 12 8566 1365
share tweet

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.

Fav 9 3527 1344
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.

Fav 8 3991 1241
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking

Fav 8 1688 3192
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy

Fav 3 3372 1252
share tweet

(706): View more from Georgia

They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

Fav 13 7360 1549
share tweet

(973): View more from New Jersey

Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it

Fav 6 3862 1085
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

Fav 20 9422 1836
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

Fav 6 4798 1259
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.

Fav 2 3247 1519
share tweet

(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

Fav 22 11144 2456
share tweet

(904): View more from Florida

Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.

Fav 18 6400 1761
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

Fav 17 8658 2177
share tweet

(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

Fav 5 6552 1762
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.

Fav 19 5307 1436
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

Fav 21 7058 1562
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick

Fav 10 6403 1785
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff

Fav 2 3116 1056
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.

Fav 9 3736 1504
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.

Fav 10 5169 2015
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.

Fav 7 3313 1375
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.

Fav 15 1395 4662
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.

Fav 5 3380 4605
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

Fav 12 6931 1447
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.

Fav 20 1587 6526
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?

Fav 8 3987 1218
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

Fav 34 15078 1927
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...

Fav 6 1439 3221
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?

Fav 9 6545 1275
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....

Fav 15 3386 1928
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.

Fav 36 9896 1487
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

Fav 20 8325 1349
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.

Fav 26 7119 1684
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes

Fav 15 2484 4783
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.

Fav 14 6435 1390
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"

Fav 31 2731 3361
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

Fav 13 8396 1570
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..

Fav 11 5153 1378
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

a search helicopter?!

Fav 25 5627 1547
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?

(571): View more from Virginia

Fuck you.

Fav 13 4599 2230
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

Fav 68 13488 2854
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.

Fav 18 5124 1437
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

Fav 39 16944 1858
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

Fav 31 11664 1813
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

Fav 11 7925 1584
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.

Fav 6 5672 1256
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job

Fav 62 6987 2334
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job

Fav 13 4200 1311
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.

Fav 12 4337 1780
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?

Fav 8 4510 1445
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you

Fav 15 5772 1457
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?

Fav 5 4114 1267
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night

Fav 28 5382 1375
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

Fav 34 8326 2178
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

Fav 36 8703 1645
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.

Fav 18 7045 1554
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night

Fav 13 6904 1299
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

Fav 10 7460 1680
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

Fav 28 7247 1801
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

everybody makes mistakes

(1-630): View more from Illinois

i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

Fav 23 7117 1739
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.

Fav 30 1714 6361
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous

Fav 15 5691 1656
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick

Fav 18 2193 5917
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

Fav 41 12267 1779
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

Fav 36 2354 6047
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.

Fav 9 4566 1298
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.

Fav 16 5609 1612
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.

Fav 17 4838 1399
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.

Fav 7 5451 1372
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

Fav 21 7511 1781
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.

Fav 29 5152 1893
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends

Fav 40 2620 6510
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.

Fav 23 2676 4950
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

Fav 51 14289 1960
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.

Fav 18 8172 1567
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good

Fav 14 5359 1627
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

Fav 27 9876 1672
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

Fav 44 8807 1895
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.

Fav 13 1575 3456
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex

Fav 23 6883 1476
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar

Fav 11 4884 2142
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.

Fav 16 6903 1332
share tweet
(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

Fav 95 21328 2346
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck

Fav 49 1628 7726
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

Fav 26 12668 2380
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.

Fav 12 7360 1587
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.

Fav 14 5437 1616
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.

Fav 12 7479 1404
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

Fav 37 10358 2113
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

Fav 44 7707 2194
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.

Fav 13 4810 1537
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox

Fav 38 8748 1413
share tweet
(805): View more from California

the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.

Fav 21 7588 2018
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?

Fav 12 6072 1446
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

Fav 41 17448 2839
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.

(847): View more from Illinois

What did I say?

(636): View more from Missouri

Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,

Fav 11 8282 1545
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us

Fav 29 6573 1602
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

Fav 20 10780 1426
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

Fav 48 8333 2401
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her

Fav 20 3260 4616
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???

Fav 24 1503 8357
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

i think i left my bra at your place

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

Fav 22 11225 1445
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.

Fav 25 1581 7080
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.

Fav 7 5351 1247
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay

Fav 16 5546 3889
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

Fav 25 9704 1475
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.

Fav 2 4421 1583
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.

Fav 12 6275 1405
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

Fav 16 2577 7138
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.

Fav 10 4944 1291
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky

Fav 26 4755 2289
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

Fav 44 13895 1616
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

wanna hang out tonight and remember it?

Fav 18 6499 2026
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

Fav 11 8458 1524
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

It's shedding

(1-912): View more from Georgia

I told you penises don't tan

Fav 43 1767 10626
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

Fav 32 10090 2434
share tweet
(714): View more from California

drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.

Fav 26 8560 1834
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.

(1-312): View more from Illinois

None of that is ok.

Fav 38 5964 4204
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Not having phil's child is good enough.

Fav 19 6717 1250
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.

Fav 18 8381 1448
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

Fav 15 7066 1935
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it

Fav 16 5718 1352
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.

Fav 39 1192 7925
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

Fav 41 39278 2240
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...

(615): View more from Tennessee

Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again

Fav 15 2012 4495
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2

(908): View more from New Jersey

Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?

Fav 14 5694 2307
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"

Fav 27 1957 5007
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

Fav 13 6064 1690
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

Fav 13 9193 1747
share tweet
(+49): View more from Germany

Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face

Fav 26 12364 2514
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

Fav 13 7825 1520
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"

Fav 12 6721 1356
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.

Fav 11 5221 1740
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

Fav 15 10193 1426
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.

Fav 13 4875 1737
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"

Fav 17 4958 1335
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands

(713): View more from Texas

When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things

Fav 28 5823 1304
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

Fav 131 63487 2873
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She just messaged me 19 sad faces.

Fav 25 1222 6639
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

Fav 39 9445 1835
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.

Fav 6 4505 1357
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.

Fav 37 1681 5165
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb

Fav 16 4109 1157
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

You going out tonight?

(318): View more from Louisiana

No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.

Fav 18 1559 6717
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?

Fav 13 1356 4070
share tweet
(650): View more from California

We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.

Fav 19 5311 1340
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

Fav 96 13846 2782
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

nothing about this is right.

Fav 23 5436 2194
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack

Fav 10 1354 4318
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.

Fav 21 1245 6986
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.

Fav 10 3371 1242
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.

Fav 39 1407 11705
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

Fav 28 3079 12624
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

Fav 26 8532 1713
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins

Fav 12 6023 1455
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

Fav 54 11923 1660
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.

Fav 16 6134 1462
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.

Fav 12 1675 5184
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

Fav 19 9005 1686
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

Fav 44 5434 9844
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.

Fav 22 5583 1456
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.

Fav 9 7911 1352
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.

Fav 45 11736 2892
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I love boston

Fav 37 9028 1510
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.

Fav 22 1518 4480
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.

Fav 12 8710 1509
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?

Fav 16 3402 1499
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

Fav 41 5060 7903
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.

Fav 18 4233 1271
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.

Fav 24 5187 1239
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.

Fav 7 3096 871
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.

Fav 32 9287 2093
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

Fav 16 7230 2709
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

Fav 39 3787 5918
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

Fav 41 15649 1618
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.

Fav 19 1638 5853
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.

Fav 44 16367 2072
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

Fav 19 7423 2466
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

Fav 17 13202 2112
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.

Fav 28 5433 2341
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...

Fav 16 2652 6117
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.

Fav 18 8739 1399
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.

Fav 19 5491 1463
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.

Fav 12 7367 1462
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

Fav 436 57258 7321
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

Fav 214 53079 3393
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

Fav 106 39925 2449
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...

Fav 36 4457 1017
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?

(207): View more from Maine

You need to stop watching Twilight.

Fav 48 1643 1833
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.

Fav 25 9676 1358
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

Fav 14 2286 5983
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

Fav 85 4005 40868
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76378 3427
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

Fav 249 68662 3916
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

Fav 56 31648 2127
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75095 3010
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

Fav 28 13864 2497
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

Fav 25 21252 1555
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

Fav 23 10169 1407
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up

Fav 7 815 4065
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

im bored tell me something entertaining

(206): View more from Washington

You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.

Fav 48 1927 10189
share tweet